I have been reflecting a lot on the past few years of my life. Between the crazy amounts of surgery, losing 4 sweet babies, 2 difficult pregnancies, cancer, many health issues, a hysterectomy at a young age and all that brought, a sick baby, job loss, moving, and so, so much more.
There were points in all of it, that I wasn't sure it would ever get better. I worried it would be like that forever (flashback to David at the Dentist anyone?) and that I would never be happy, or healthy again. It's a despair I cannot explain, to feel that way, but one I think we can all relate to at some point. It seems worse in a way to see your children hurting, because you not only feel it for yourself, but you feel it for them too, and it's a different kind of pain.
I was working on our family Christmas letter the other night, and reflecting on all of our struggles the past year, but the things that hit me the strongest was all of the times we were so blessed, and God's hand in our lives. It all could have ended so differently, and could have been so, so, much worse.
At the end of each trial, struggle, and terrible tragedy we have been through there came a point of relief, and peace. For some it took a very long time. Some I am still working on, and some we are still in the thick of. But, for the ones that came, there isn't much like it. The end is bittersweet, and there is a kind of beauty that comes with it that I cannot describe. It is then, my friends, when you see how blessed you were, how protected you were, and how much you grew. You see your strength, and when that moment comes, you see that your trial, was actually a blessing. A blessing used to make you into who you needed to be.
I recently came to the end of a very big trial for me. Now that I am on the other side of it, I still feel some pain, but I feel so much peace. I know that I am better for it, and I am so grateful that I was guided through some of the most dark days of my life.
I just feel a need to remind people, that it really does get better. Life is hard. It's supposed to be. We are born to change and grow. We weren't meant to stay stagnant, and with that comes pain. It is natural, and it is part of the circle of life. It is part of the plan, and it is why we are here. But it does get better. We are so blessed to have moments when we realize it is better, that we are better for it.
It really, really does get better. I promise...
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Poor Bubby
My poor bubby was in the hospital last week. He was very sick, and it was uncertain for a time how long he would be there, if he would need surgery, and after we came home, if/when he would have to go back.
I would give anything for all of his terrible health issues to just go away.
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It took me a week to get him back to his normal. I am so glad to have him back to himself. He has 2 appts this week to see different drs, and I'm hoping he will be doing well by Tuesday! He can't be sick on Christmas!
I would give anything for all of his terrible health issues to just go away.
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Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Cheese
I know this will be a random topic, but I just shredded, and "seal a mealed" 5 lbs of cheese, so I figured it warranted a post.
I am a huge thrift buyer. I am not an extreme couponer by any means. I do the love the show. It fascinates me, but I don't have that kind of time to do that. Still, I try to be as frugal as humanly possible, which sometimes frustrates hubby, but most of the time, he appreciates it. Buying in bulk isn't always a savings. But, when it is, I take full advantage of it. If I find cheese for a crazy good price, I buy as much of it as I feel like we can afford at the time. Fact, cheese freezes really well (if you don't mind that cheese frozen in a block can be kind of crumbly afterwards, which I don't). I recently got a great deal on a 5 lb block of mozzarella cheese at Sam's Club. Thank goodness for my grater option on my food processor, it only took me about 10 mins to shred it all. After I had it all shredded, I added about 1/8-1/4 cup of flour to it, and tossed the cheese (this keeps it from sticking to each other and becoming a huge globby mess), and then put it in seal a meal bags. Make sure if you do it, not to use the vacuum option, or the cheese will get stuck and globby. I saved 1 lb of it wrapped in tin foil in the fridge. Did you know that cheese wrapped in tin foil in the fridge lasts FORVER (ok, not really forever, but a seriously long time). It keeps the mold off of it, and also keeps it from drying out. Seriously one of the best tips I've received.
This time of year is a great time to get good deals on Turkey. I love to buy an extra turkey to keep in my deep freeze, and one to cook up, cut up, and freeze the meat from. It's usually cheaper than chicken, and you can use it in place of it, in pretty much anything you use chicken in.
This week, I cooked up 10 lbs of chicken breasts (shredded it, and froze it), and 10 lbs of hamburger (seasoned, browned, and froze) for our deep freeze. It will get us pretty far. I am hoping most of the winter. As we speak, I am cooking up a ham shank to cut up and freeze, and with my turkey points from the local grocery store I will do the same with a turkey later this week. $40 worth of meat will last us for months if I plan our meals right. It helps me cook quicker meals to have the meat already cooked and ready to go. I hate buying the hamburger, freezing it, then thawing it, then cooking it. much easier this way if you have an hour to take care of it. Besides the fact that buying hamburger in bulk can save you about $.90 lb. That's a HUGE savings!
This time of year is a great time to get good deals on Turkey. I love to buy an extra turkey to keep in my deep freeze, and one to cook up, cut up, and freeze the meat from. It's usually cheaper than chicken, and you can use it in place of it, in pretty much anything you use chicken in.
This week, I cooked up 10 lbs of chicken breasts (shredded it, and froze it), and 10 lbs of hamburger (seasoned, browned, and froze) for our deep freeze. It will get us pretty far. I am hoping most of the winter. As we speak, I am cooking up a ham shank to cut up and freeze, and with my turkey points from the local grocery store I will do the same with a turkey later this week. $40 worth of meat will last us for months if I plan our meals right. It helps me cook quicker meals to have the meat already cooked and ready to go. I hate buying the hamburger, freezing it, then thawing it, then cooking it. much easier this way if you have an hour to take care of it. Besides the fact that buying hamburger in bulk can save you about $.90 lb. That's a HUGE savings!
Coconut Milk
Well, it was interesting, that's for sure. What should have taken me about 30 mins or so (according to one blog), took me no less than 2 hours. Little man screamed and cried at my feet the entire time. My sweet Munchie Moo, well, she tried to "help". Bless her little 3 year old heart. Let's just say, it wasn't much help. :)
Anyway, I chose to use a fresh coconut, and drain and peel it myself, since I figured it would not only be more cost effective, but also fresher=better for him.
*Side note, I just had to clean up a huge glass of milk from my couch, Little Bear, decided he was going to pour it all over. Yep, that just happened*
So, where was I? In the time it took me to drain, split (that was a good frustration relieving part btw), and peel the coconut, my hands were raw, I had a huge cut on my finger ps, I could have flown to NYC. I decided to add some extra coconut oil to the mixture, along with all the coconut water I drained from the coconut, and 2 cups of boiling hot water (hot water draws out more of the oil and sugar from the flesh). It is a yummy milk, but I only got 1 quart, and it took me 2 hours. I would need at least twice that in one day, and it's just not a feasable option. But, at least I tried it, and know now. Dried coconut isn't much of an option for me, because of the cost. I did learn a really great recipe for coconut butter. Yummy! I'll share it when I make it again!
It turns out, that all my work was for nothing really, except a learning experience... He just wasn't getting all the calories, nutrients, and enough fat from coconut milk alone. I had to put him back on formula, until we can figure out the root of all the problems. The GI wants me to try 3 new formulas (that still have soy), that are completely hydrolized and broken down, and hopefully they will be better than what he's on. They are twice the price, but it will be worth it if they work. So far, I've tried 2 of the 3, and haven't seen a difference. :(
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Pancreas
This week had been overwhelming. Today has been overwhelming. I have been taking Little Bear the chiropractor since last week. I have heard really great things about babies with severe GERD and chiropractors, so I decided it was time to try it out. I have seen a chiropractor for many years for severe migraines, and actually saw this same chiropractor when I was pregnant with Little Bear to help with my pain from labor, and bed rest. We'll see what happens.
He also had his follow up appointment with his GI last week. Apparently he also has severe food intolerance, yes, you read that right, food. All food. She also said his pancreas isn't working properly, and isn't producing either enough, or any enzymes to digest and process his food, and most importantly protein. So, she put him on an eighth medicine. Yep, 8. So now he is on a live enzyme made from bovine pancreas. Gross I know. I shudder every time I open the capsule, and put it in his applesauce. Oh, get this, the Children's Hospital Pharmacy (the only place in the state that can get most of his meds), will overnight me his medicine if they don't have it in the pharmacy. So, Saturday, FedEx came and dropped it off. The driver told me that it was the only package sent out that day, and said it cost $150 to deliver it 45 miles to my house. Isn't that madness?!?!?!? I hope the insurance covers that sucker ;)
His formula ingredients changed and now have soy in them. No wonder he is still having so many issues right? So I took him off his formula and put him on coconut milk. He's been on it for 3 days now. Not sure if it's making a difference or not. It's been a hard, hard week. His eczema has been terrible, and yesterday he got into some cereal with soy in it, and had a really bad reaction.
My next goal is to learn how to make my own coconut milk. It's supposed to be much more cost effective, and better for you than the processed stuff. If it works out well, I'll post how it turned out :)
My little Munchie Moo has been having a hard time lately. She can't leave my side, and has been very whiney, and throwing temper tantrums. I have been trying to spend more one on one time with her and let her know how special she is to me. She is currently sleeping on my legs, on the couch while I type. I love her. I just wish I didn't feel like I was failing her, failing everyone. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she knows how much I need her, and how special she is to me. The GI told her that she is the reason I am still sane. She was so proud of herself for being such a big girl. I love her.
He also had his follow up appointment with his GI last week. Apparently he also has severe food intolerance, yes, you read that right, food. All food. She also said his pancreas isn't working properly, and isn't producing either enough, or any enzymes to digest and process his food, and most importantly protein. So, she put him on an eighth medicine. Yep, 8. So now he is on a live enzyme made from bovine pancreas. Gross I know. I shudder every time I open the capsule, and put it in his applesauce. Oh, get this, the Children's Hospital Pharmacy (the only place in the state that can get most of his meds), will overnight me his medicine if they don't have it in the pharmacy. So, Saturday, FedEx came and dropped it off. The driver told me that it was the only package sent out that day, and said it cost $150 to deliver it 45 miles to my house. Isn't that madness?!?!?!? I hope the insurance covers that sucker ;)
His formula ingredients changed and now have soy in them. No wonder he is still having so many issues right? So I took him off his formula and put him on coconut milk. He's been on it for 3 days now. Not sure if it's making a difference or not. It's been a hard, hard week. His eczema has been terrible, and yesterday he got into some cereal with soy in it, and had a really bad reaction.
My next goal is to learn how to make my own coconut milk. It's supposed to be much more cost effective, and better for you than the processed stuff. If it works out well, I'll post how it turned out :)
My little Munchie Moo has been having a hard time lately. She can't leave my side, and has been very whiney, and throwing temper tantrums. I have been trying to spend more one on one time with her and let her know how special she is to me. She is currently sleeping on my legs, on the couch while I type. I love her. I just wish I didn't feel like I was failing her, failing everyone. I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she knows how much I need her, and how special she is to me. The GI told her that she is the reason I am still sane. She was so proud of herself for being such a big girl. I love her.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
1 Year
There is a common saying: "What a difference a year makes". This past year has been a whole heap of blessing, and trial.
Thursday marked my year anniversary of my hysterectomy. This month, especially the past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I had heard, from others in my place, that it would be, especially with the first year passing.
It feels silly to be so emotional about something like this. I guess it's the meaning behind it. The end. So final. It's been difficult to come to terms with that. I have moments of contentment. But mostly, I am still hurting, and still feel very betrayed by my own body. I am broken hearted to lose what I had planned for my life, and what I had lived for.
I spoke with an old acquaintance from high school this week, and she excitedly told about her plans for her upcoming voluntary hysterectomy. My heart broke for her, knowing the other side of it. I remember talking myself into excitement, and trying to act positive and happy about my hysterectomy. I tried to only find the happy points, and chose not to look at the finality, and the pain that would come. I wish I had been more prepared, let myself be upset about it, when it happened. I wonder if that would have made things easier now? Perhaps not.
Confession: I spent most Thursday in a funk, and crying. I felt silly, but almost relieved at the tears that poured down my face. It was healing in a way. I know that each year, when this time comes, I'll have a day like that day, but that's ok. Once a year, is ok right?
What a difference a year makes. I look forward to what this next year will bring.
Thursday marked my year anniversary of my hysterectomy. This month, especially the past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I had heard, from others in my place, that it would be, especially with the first year passing.
It feels silly to be so emotional about something like this. I guess it's the meaning behind it. The end. So final. It's been difficult to come to terms with that. I have moments of contentment. But mostly, I am still hurting, and still feel very betrayed by my own body. I am broken hearted to lose what I had planned for my life, and what I had lived for.
I spoke with an old acquaintance from high school this week, and she excitedly told about her plans for her upcoming voluntary hysterectomy. My heart broke for her, knowing the other side of it. I remember talking myself into excitement, and trying to act positive and happy about my hysterectomy. I tried to only find the happy points, and chose not to look at the finality, and the pain that would come. I wish I had been more prepared, let myself be upset about it, when it happened. I wonder if that would have made things easier now? Perhaps not.
Confession: I spent most Thursday in a funk, and crying. I felt silly, but almost relieved at the tears that poured down my face. It was healing in a way. I know that each year, when this time comes, I'll have a day like that day, but that's ok. Once a year, is ok right?
What a difference a year makes. I look forward to what this next year will bring.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Exhaustion
I am tired. There is no other way to put it. I need sleep. Good quality, long lasting, uninterrupted sleep.
Unfortunately, that is not going to happen any time soon. Little Bear has been having a really rough time the past few weeks, more than normal.
Last night he screamed until 7 am. Could not be comforted. It is exhausting as a mom to deal with that. You feel like a failure, and then you both end up crying.
Today, I slept with him on my chest for 1 hour before I needed to be up for church. Days like today, I just don't know why I bother. I was literally stand-rocking-bouncing him for three hours straight. I cried. In front of many people. It was terribly embarrassing. There where many well meaning comments, from many well meaning people. But they hurt. They don't know me. They do not know the hell Little Bear faces each day, and they don't know how long I have go without sleep. I have so much passion and love for my faith, but days like today I end up leaving more tired, and upset than when I came. I got nothing out of meetings today. The main meeting I was dealing with screaming. I tried to go to Sunday School, and my women's meeting, but that only lasted about 20 seconds before I was walking the halls trying to comfort my poor screaming boy.
I called my mom today, and was sobbing before she even answered the phone. She is going to take the kids for a couple days so I can rest, and reset. Bless her beautiful hide. She is a saint.
I am worried about Wyatt. He has had some really BLACK diapers this week, which according the GI on call today at Primary Children's it could be internal bleeding in his upper GI tract. They will do some test tomorrow and we will see. I really can't handle much more of this.
Most days I handle this all well, and take it all in stride. I am just so tired right now, I can't deal with it as well as I normally can.
Pray for sleep tonight for both of us. We both desperately need it!
Unfortunately, that is not going to happen any time soon. Little Bear has been having a really rough time the past few weeks, more than normal.
Last night he screamed until 7 am. Could not be comforted. It is exhausting as a mom to deal with that. You feel like a failure, and then you both end up crying.
Today, I slept with him on my chest for 1 hour before I needed to be up for church. Days like today, I just don't know why I bother. I was literally stand-rocking-bouncing him for three hours straight. I cried. In front of many people. It was terribly embarrassing. There where many well meaning comments, from many well meaning people. But they hurt. They don't know me. They do not know the hell Little Bear faces each day, and they don't know how long I have go without sleep. I have so much passion and love for my faith, but days like today I end up leaving more tired, and upset than when I came. I got nothing out of meetings today. The main meeting I was dealing with screaming. I tried to go to Sunday School, and my women's meeting, but that only lasted about 20 seconds before I was walking the halls trying to comfort my poor screaming boy.
I called my mom today, and was sobbing before she even answered the phone. She is going to take the kids for a couple days so I can rest, and reset. Bless her beautiful hide. She is a saint.
I am worried about Wyatt. He has had some really BLACK diapers this week, which according the GI on call today at Primary Children's it could be internal bleeding in his upper GI tract. They will do some test tomorrow and we will see. I really can't handle much more of this.
Most days I handle this all well, and take it all in stride. I am just so tired right now, I can't deal with it as well as I normally can.
Pray for sleep tonight for both of us. We both desperately need it!
Bed Rest
As I mentioned before, when I was pregnant with Little Bear, I was on strict bedrest for more than 3/4 of my pregnancy. Part of the time, I kept a bedrest blog. Not sure it would be of use to anyone, but I thought I'd post the link in case anyone wanted to check it out :)
http://myadventuresinbedrest.blogspot.com/
http://myadventuresinbedrest.blogspot.com/
Craft time :)
I got an email from JoAnn's last night, informing me of a huge sale they were having today, and sending me a 60% off coupon. Of course I would have to be straight up crazy to not use it.
So, tonight, I left the kids at home with The Hubs, and trekked on over to JoAnn's.
Let's just say, I scored big! Fleece was 60% off, so was all the cutesy cotton, also the yarn, and the paper letters. There was so much other good stuff on sale, but I had to limit myself.
I bought some CUTE green polka dot fleece for a bathrobe for Cricket for Christmas (she has been begging for one for months now), some adorable baby fleece for a baby blanket for my newest niece (I have 8 of them!), fabric to make a matching baby doll mei tai wrap for Cricket for Christmas, and some yarn and paper letter to make this:
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Let's be honest, this took me 4 hours, yes 4. Turns out, it's not as easy as it looks on pinterest. Having little hands trying to help, wasn't much help either :)
Next big project besides Christmas presents is our new bedspread! I cannot wait, I have had the fabric for far too long now.
So, tonight, I left the kids at home with The Hubs, and trekked on over to JoAnn's.
Let's just say, I scored big! Fleece was 60% off, so was all the cutesy cotton, also the yarn, and the paper letters. There was so much other good stuff on sale, but I had to limit myself.
I bought some CUTE green polka dot fleece for a bathrobe for Cricket for Christmas (she has been begging for one for months now), some adorable baby fleece for a baby blanket for my newest niece (I have 8 of them!), fabric to make a matching baby doll mei tai wrap for Cricket for Christmas, and some yarn and paper letter to make this:
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Let's be honest, this took me 4 hours, yes 4. Turns out, it's not as easy as it looks on pinterest. Having little hands trying to help, wasn't much help either :)
Next big project besides Christmas presents is our new bedspread! I cannot wait, I have had the fabric for far too long now.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Budget
We have always had a tight and very strict budget around this home. Recently, I have been trying to tighten it even more, in efforts to finally be able to whittle away some money for savings.
So here has been my challenge. $200 a month for food, for a family of 4. That's $50.00 a week. So fair I have been very successful. I think I will try and cut it down by $50 more a month if I can.
The more homemade meals I can do, and the more canning, and bread making I can do will make it even easier. This is $200 a month without couponing. As awesome as it is, I have NO time for it right now.
Anything I am going to try, to balance our budget even more is to trade salon services for help with my house, and babysitting. We'll see how it goes, but I hope it will work out really well for me, and give me a little help, and stress relief :)
We have already been buying used when possible.
Any other tips are appreciated!
So here has been my challenge. $200 a month for food, for a family of 4. That's $50.00 a week. So fair I have been very successful. I think I will try and cut it down by $50 more a month if I can.
The more homemade meals I can do, and the more canning, and bread making I can do will make it even easier. This is $200 a month without couponing. As awesome as it is, I have NO time for it right now.
Anything I am going to try, to balance our budget even more is to trade salon services for help with my house, and babysitting. We'll see how it goes, but I hope it will work out really well for me, and give me a little help, and stress relief :)
We have already been buying used when possible.
Any other tips are appreciated!
IKEA Heaven
Confession: I love Ikea. It is the greatest place for a Mama on a budget! Can I get an Amen?
This is my most recent purchase :) I am so in love. They remind me so much of my sweet Grandma.
Mei Tai
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After much research, I settled on a Mei Tai wrap. This is literally the BEST purchase I have made in months.
No strain on my back, after wearing him for 8+ hours, he is so comfy, he will finally sleep some during the day.
I don't have a single complaint about it! It's good for up to 36lbs, so I will be able to wear him for at least a year more if I need too :)
Lonely
I have been missing our old neighborhood very much lately. All my old dear friends, and wonderful allies I had there. We were so very well looked after there. I always knew it, but perhaps I didn't know how deeply we were, until we moved.
Since the move, I am so lonely. I know no one here, have no friends, no one to talk to. I have no escape, and no help. Right now, I need the help. I wish my old friends moved with me :) Think I could talk them into it?
Since the move, I am so lonely. I know no one here, have no friends, no one to talk to. I have no escape, and no help. Right now, I need the help. I wish my old friends moved with me :) Think I could talk them into it?
Mother Killer
Mother Killer.... I nearly died when Little Bears new GI, wrote that in HUGE capital letters on his chart, and explained to me what it meant.
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Apparently, when a baby cries for more than 8 hours a day, they classify them as Mother Killers. She explained to me that 80% of moms with babies who have been having these troubles, and crying so much for so long do one of two things; either they attempt to kill themselves, or they suffer a psychotic break. As he was screaming uncontrollably, and could not be consoled, she asked me how I was still sane. I then explained to her, that there is a very loose definition of sane.
I love my Little Bear. It breaks my heart that he is so constantly miserable, to the point of being inconsolable. I wish and pray every moment that there is something that can be done for him. I have fought, and keep fighting to get him into the best doctors in the state. I only wish something more can be done.
The GI ordered a bunch of tests, and in the process we found out he has 1 kidney that isn't working properly, and 1 renal artery that is mostly blocked. Now he has yet another specialist he has to see, and a host of tests that go along with it. I have spent more time than I ever wished holding him down while he gets poked with needles, and strapped to tables, and screams in MRI machines for hours.
Will this ever end?
Remember how I mentioned he never sleeps? Seriously, he NEVER sleeps. Which means I don't either. I have gotten a solid 2 hours every day the past month. I have never in my entire life been so exhausted. I have never felt more like I am going to lose my mind. More and more each day, I understand why they are called Mother Killers.
The misery, screaming, and less sleep have been worse the past couple months. Terrible. I have been playing phone tag with the GI's office. The soonest appointment they have is mid-December. Guess that's what you get for seeing the best pediatric GI in the western states.
I know in time he will get better. I am grateful for the patience I have been given to deal with all of this, and I am even more grateful for being able to survive this with so little sleep. Reminds me much of the grace and knowledge of our Heavenly Father.
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I love my Little Bear. It breaks my heart that he is so constantly miserable, to the point of being inconsolable. I wish and pray every moment that there is something that can be done for him. I have fought, and keep fighting to get him into the best doctors in the state. I only wish something more can be done.
The GI ordered a bunch of tests, and in the process we found out he has 1 kidney that isn't working properly, and 1 renal artery that is mostly blocked. Now he has yet another specialist he has to see, and a host of tests that go along with it. I have spent more time than I ever wished holding him down while he gets poked with needles, and strapped to tables, and screams in MRI machines for hours.
Will this ever end?
Remember how I mentioned he never sleeps? Seriously, he NEVER sleeps. Which means I don't either. I have gotten a solid 2 hours every day the past month. I have never in my entire life been so exhausted. I have never felt more like I am going to lose my mind. More and more each day, I understand why they are called Mother Killers.
The misery, screaming, and less sleep have been worse the past couple months. Terrible. I have been playing phone tag with the GI's office. The soonest appointment they have is mid-December. Guess that's what you get for seeing the best pediatric GI in the western states.
I know in time he will get better. I am grateful for the patience I have been given to deal with all of this, and I am even more grateful for being able to survive this with so little sleep. Reminds me much of the grace and knowledge of our Heavenly Father.
Parenthood
I seriously cannot stop crying about Kristina! I think this time of year is hard for me with that, and I feel what she feels... I know, I know, she isn't real, but it speaks to a part of me, that few can understand, unless they have been through it.
I have a feeling it's going to be a heart wrenching season!
Netflix
Thank you, thank you, for only costing me $8 a month!
The Move
So, remember how I told you that we were moving? Yeah, about that.... seriously? Why does moving have to been such a nightmare? Luckily my parent's, Hub's Dad and brothers, and my sister came to help, and we survived.
Then I had to unpack. Confession, I hate unpacking! It's terrible! We have been here for 3 months now, and I still have halfway to go. It's been a nightmare.
Last time we moved we had a 9 month old, that slept all the time. Now we have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. Cricket is into everything "helping", and Little Bear, screams 9 hours a day (Seriously though), and NEVER sleeps. He is into everything, and I may lose my mind :)
Good thing my kids are cute :)
Confession: We have been watching WAY TOO MUCH Netflix this past little while, while I try and get things organized. Hopefully since they are watching a wholelotta Sesame Street and Super Why, they are learning good things? One can only hope.
Then I had to unpack. Confession, I hate unpacking! It's terrible! We have been here for 3 months now, and I still have halfway to go. It's been a nightmare.
Last time we moved we had a 9 month old, that slept all the time. Now we have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. Cricket is into everything "helping", and Little Bear, screams 9 hours a day (Seriously though), and NEVER sleeps. He is into everything, and I may lose my mind :)
Good thing my kids are cute :)
Confession: We have been watching WAY TOO MUCH Netflix this past little while, while I try and get things organized. Hopefully since they are watching a wholelotta Sesame Street and Super Why, they are learning good things? One can only hope.
To write or not to write?
I've been absent for awhile, I apologize. It's been a CRAZY couple months, and I have been offline a lot.
Here is it 1:30 am, and I finally sat down for the day. Like I said, crazy!
I have been reflecting on this blog for a few weeks, wondering if it was worth continuing. I have had this deep passion for writing, ever since I could write my own name. I love to hear people's stories, and although, I am no great writer, I think it's important to have a way to express your own story.
Can we get real for a minute? Lately, my life has been very hard. It seems like there has been one set back after another, and I cannot seem to recover before another blow comes. I am been feeling lonely, beaten, and depressed. Above all, I feel exhausted.
Long story short, I know that there are other moms out there that are feeling exactly how I am feeling right now. Moms, who don't know who to reach out too, and moms that feel so very alone. So I have decided to keep writing, and maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble across this blog, and feel like they have a friend, someone who has been where they are, and feel not so alone.
Here is it 1:30 am, and I finally sat down for the day. Like I said, crazy!
I have been reflecting on this blog for a few weeks, wondering if it was worth continuing. I have had this deep passion for writing, ever since I could write my own name. I love to hear people's stories, and although, I am no great writer, I think it's important to have a way to express your own story.
Can we get real for a minute? Lately, my life has been very hard. It seems like there has been one set back after another, and I cannot seem to recover before another blow comes. I am been feeling lonely, beaten, and depressed. Above all, I feel exhausted.
Long story short, I know that there are other moms out there that are feeling exactly how I am feeling right now. Moms, who don't know who to reach out too, and moms that feel so very alone. So I have decided to keep writing, and maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble across this blog, and feel like they have a friend, someone who has been where they are, and feel not so alone.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Dinner
Confession: I already admitted I haven't cooked for weeks. But, this is the meal I plan to cook, when I have a kitchen to actually cook in again :)
Corn Flake Chicken and Revolutionary Mac and Cheese (I omit the mustard)
This is our favorite meal right now. How genius is it to cook the mac and cheese in milk instead of making a roux? Wish I had know about this years ago! And the chicken is so moist and yummy. My Cricket loves it too!
Thank you pinterest!
Corn Flake Chicken and Revolutionary Mac and Cheese (I omit the mustard)
This is our favorite meal right now. How genius is it to cook the mac and cheese in milk instead of making a roux? Wish I had know about this years ago! And the chicken is so moist and yummy. My Cricket loves it too!
Thank you pinterest!
Hoarding
Confession: I am secretly (Ok, it's no secret) obsessed with Hoarders.
Confession: I am also obsessed with pinterest.
I found this the other day, and it literally made me LOL.
Isn't that the truth? If I had all the item's I've pinned I'd so be on the next episode of Hoarders Buried Alive.
Confession: I am also obsessed with pinterest.
I found this the other day, and it literally made me LOL.
Moving
So, we're moving. In 5 days. I have packed part of 1 room. I may lose my mind. Hubs is working 12 hour shifts these days, and as you can imagine is beyond tired when he gets home. We have too much crap. I haven't cooked a real meal in weeks, haven't slept in days, and haven't worn makeup for over a week. I have been throwing away as much as I can, but there is just so much! Is it coming out of the walls? Where is it all coming from?
Let's hope it all gets done before Friday when my parents come. Bless them for coming. They are getting a Uhaul. Can I get an amen? Anyone want to come keep me company while I pack? I'll pay you in chocolate. Or maybe you can have all the spare change you find. Scratch that, moving is expensive, we might need it :)
Let's hope it all gets done before Friday when my parents come. Bless them for coming. They are getting a Uhaul. Can I get an amen? Anyone want to come keep me company while I pack? I'll pay you in chocolate. Or maybe you can have all the spare change you find. Scratch that, moving is expensive, we might need it :)
Obsession
Let's be honest, I LOVE music. I cannot survive my day without it. I am lucky my kids and The Hubs are as obsessed as I am right now. With all the packing and cleaning for the move, it helps to keep me going.
Here are a couple songs I CANNOT get out of my head or stop listening too right now. Ah Adele. How I love you. You just keep getting better and better.
For This Child I Prayed...
"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him"
1 Samuel 1:27
As I mentioned in my last post, I struggled for years with a) getting pregnant and b) staying pregnant. Those who suffered from endo, PCOS, infertility, miscarriage, and or cancer, know how utterly heartbreaking any of these things can be, especially when you desperately want a child. They are incredibly painful both physically, and emotionally.
Before I had my little Cricket, I had two tragic miscarriages, and a grueling surgery for the endo, and tons of medicine for the endo, PCOS, and infertility. It took The Hubs and I four years to get her. I begged and pleaded for her, I prayed constantly, and fought for her. In between Cricket and Little Bear I had another miscarriage, cancer, and 5 more surgeries. After the cancer, I was told that I would never have another child. The doctor and my parents begged me to schedule a hysterectomy. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was both overjoyed and devastated. I knew I could never carry the child to term, and I was brokenhearted at the thought of losing yet another child. I started bleeding very badly early on and expected the worst, I went to the doctor and was told I had lost the baby, and I needed to immediately schedule surgery to remove the dead baby, and also a huge cyst that was growing that was a suspected tumor. I knew that my baby wasn't dead, and begged for progesterone, and hormone tests to keep him alive. They refused, and begged me to quite being in denial and have the surgery. Something in me told me it was wrong, and so I sought a second opinion. I will be forever grateful I did, because it saved Little Bear's life. I learned that the bleeding was from the loss of his twin, and from my placenta abrupting during it's miscarriage. During my pregnancy with Little Bear, I had many scares, including but not limited too, preterm labor, placental abruption, placental previa, 26 weeks straight of extreme bedrest (35 weeks total my entire pregnancy), cord problems, and many more. Through it all, everyone I knew prayed. Not only did I pray for him every single day before I knew he was mine, but every second of his life, in my womb, and out.
I knew he was my last hope for one last baby for our family, I knew I needed him, and through him I learned of the Lord's tender, yet perfect mercy for us. He strengthened my faith in God, myself, and the world. He is my perfect miracle, my blessing after so, so, so much pain. He has been my saving grace everyday since his conception.
Since him, I had one more surgery, one that brought an end to my ability to have children, one that sent me into a period of my life 20 years too early. It has been my most difficult journey, but I could not do it without the perfect promise and hope he brings to my life. He somehow makes it all worth it and ok.
His life has been one of struggles so far. He fought with his whole being to come to Earth. Nearly died at his birth, and has suffered much since. He screams in agony more often than not, but in the not moments, he is the happiest, sweetest little boy I have ever seen. He shows so much strength, and wisdom. He has an old soul. He shows me how to have grace and perfection in pain, and shows me how to be perfect in weakness. By shear force of will, he is happy, and makes sure others are too. He knows just when I need him, and he never leaves my side. When my heart is breaking, and I ache, and become bitter, he shows me how amazing, how very, very blessed I truly am. He is my heart, he knows me, my weakness, and my strength.
For this child I prayed. For this child I pray.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Introductions
Why hello out there :) Thanks for stopping by. One of my guilty pleasures is the "Real Housewives of..." franchise. It's embarrassing and ridiculous, but I love it! Real housewife's do not have lives like that. I am a real housewife. This is my story.
I thought it would be best to make some introductions to start with.
Let me tell you about my family first. In all honesty, I have the cutest kids you will ever meet. Seriously, I do. You can't make this stuff up. I am seriously told at least twice a day how cute my offspring is.
My oldest is nearly 3. We call her Cricket, or Sissy, or Sass, or Sassy Pants, or Buggy, or Bug, or about 7 billion other nicknames. She'll basically answer to anything. She is a feisty, spitfire little thing, with personality +. She is my heart, and hope for good in this world. She is my bestest little friend, and we often end up in fits of giggles. I have never seen a child so young be full of passion. Everything she does she does with her whole heart and all the passion she can muster. Sometimes this infuriates me, sometimes it makes my heart swell, it NEVER ceases to amaze me. She is my helper girl, my sassy pants, my heart. She is what reminds me of God's grace and mercy, and his all knowing plan.
My baby just turned 1. We call him Little Bear, Bo-Bo, Brother, Little Man, Stinky, and lots more, I have a problem, an addiction really to nicknames. He is my little miracle baby (more on that later). He is my fighter boy, my whole world. I am so deeply in love with him, it's not even funny. He is my baby, my miracle born of countless tears and prayers. He my mischievous, all boy, little man. He constantly keeps me on my toes, is always into something, and is the one I lose the most sleep over. He is a heartbreaker (Yes, my friends, already), and his sweet half smile (just like his daddy's) and giggle can extinguish my frustration over a torn up book, or long sleepless night in a millisecond.
Let's take a second to talk about the love of my life. The Hubs, Papa Bear, Babe, Love, my heart. Seriously, what is it about men that they age so well?! Sometimes I look at him and fall in love all over again. He is one hardworking man and such a great daddy. My kids love him to pieces. They cannot get enough of him. It's really no wonder why. He is very quiet and reserved. He is the smartest person I know, and he makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met. He and I have been through hell and back, our 7 years together have been quite the journey, but we have made it through, in moments where many would have given up, and I love him more for it.
It's hard to know what to say about me. To explain why I am who I am. I feel like I have been through the fires of hell in the past 7 years. I have experienced some pretty extreme adventures the past while. It all started with some really severe endometriosis, PCOS, infertility, 4 miscarriages, and cancer. This is my real life, and I love who I share it with.
I thought it would be best to make some introductions to start with.
Let me tell you about my family first. In all honesty, I have the cutest kids you will ever meet. Seriously, I do. You can't make this stuff up. I am seriously told at least twice a day how cute my offspring is.
My oldest is nearly 3. We call her Cricket, or Sissy, or Sass, or Sassy Pants, or Buggy, or Bug, or about 7 billion other nicknames. She'll basically answer to anything. She is a feisty, spitfire little thing, with personality +. She is my heart, and hope for good in this world. She is my bestest little friend, and we often end up in fits of giggles. I have never seen a child so young be full of passion. Everything she does she does with her whole heart and all the passion she can muster. Sometimes this infuriates me, sometimes it makes my heart swell, it NEVER ceases to amaze me. She is my helper girl, my sassy pants, my heart. She is what reminds me of God's grace and mercy, and his all knowing plan.
My baby just turned 1. We call him Little Bear, Bo-Bo, Brother, Little Man, Stinky, and lots more, I have a problem, an addiction really to nicknames. He is my little miracle baby (more on that later). He is my fighter boy, my whole world. I am so deeply in love with him, it's not even funny. He is my baby, my miracle born of countless tears and prayers. He my mischievous, all boy, little man. He constantly keeps me on my toes, is always into something, and is the one I lose the most sleep over. He is a heartbreaker (Yes, my friends, already), and his sweet half smile (just like his daddy's) and giggle can extinguish my frustration over a torn up book, or long sleepless night in a millisecond.
Let's take a second to talk about the love of my life. The Hubs, Papa Bear, Babe, Love, my heart. Seriously, what is it about men that they age so well?! Sometimes I look at him and fall in love all over again. He is one hardworking man and such a great daddy. My kids love him to pieces. They cannot get enough of him. It's really no wonder why. He is very quiet and reserved. He is the smartest person I know, and he makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met. He and I have been through hell and back, our 7 years together have been quite the journey, but we have made it through, in moments where many would have given up, and I love him more for it.
It's hard to know what to say about me. To explain why I am who I am. I feel like I have been through the fires of hell in the past 7 years. I have experienced some pretty extreme adventures the past while. It all started with some really severe endometriosis, PCOS, infertility, 4 miscarriages, and cancer. This is my real life, and I love who I share it with.
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