1 Year

There is a common saying: "What a difference a year makes".  This past year has been a whole heap of blessing, and trial. 

Thursday marked my year anniversary of my hysterectomy.  This month, especially the past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I had heard, from others in my place, that it would be, especially with the first year passing.

It feels silly to be so emotional about something like this.  I guess it's the meaning behind it.  The end.  So final.  It's been difficult to come to terms with that.  I have moments of contentment.  But mostly, I am still hurting, and still feel very betrayed by my own body.  I am broken hearted to lose what I had planned for my life, and what I had lived for. 

I spoke with an old acquaintance from high school this week, and she excitedly told about her plans for her upcoming voluntary hysterectomy.  My heart broke for her, knowing the other side of it. I remember talking myself into excitement, and trying to act positive and happy about my hysterectomy.  I tried to only find the happy points, and chose not to look at the finality, and the pain that would come.  I wish I had been more prepared, let myself be upset about it, when it happened.  I wonder if that would have made things easier now? Perhaps not.

Confession: I spent most Thursday in a funk, and crying.  I felt silly, but almost relieved at the tears that poured down my face. It was healing in a way.  I know that each year, when this time comes, I'll have a day like that day, but that's ok.  Once a year, is ok right?

What a difference a year makes.  I look forward to what this next year will bring.