Mother Killer

Mother Killer.... I nearly died when Little Bears new GI, wrote that in HUGE capital letters on his chart, and explained to me what it meant.

Apparently, when a baby cries for more than 8 hours a day, they classify them as Mother Killers.  She explained to me that 80% of moms with babies who have been having these troubles, and crying so much for so long do one of two things; either they attempt to kill themselves, or they suffer a psychotic break. As he was screaming uncontrollably, and could not be consoled, she asked me how I was still sane.  I then explained to her, that there is a very loose definition of sane. 

I love my Little Bear.  It breaks my heart that he is so constantly miserable, to the point of being inconsolable.  I wish and pray every moment that there is something that can be done for him.  I have fought, and keep fighting to get him into the best doctors in the state.  I only wish something more can be done. 

The GI ordered a bunch of tests, and in the process we found out he has 1 kidney that isn't working properly, and 1 renal artery that is mostly blocked.  Now he has yet another specialist he has to see, and a host of tests that go along with it.  I have spent more time than I ever wished holding him down while he gets poked with needles, and strapped to tables, and screams in MRI machines for hours. 

Will this ever end?

Remember how I mentioned he never sleeps? Seriously, he NEVER sleeps.  Which means I don't either.  I have gotten a solid 2 hours every day the past month.  I have never in my entire life been so exhausted.  I have never felt more like I am going to lose my mind.  More and more each day, I understand why they are called Mother Killers. 

The misery, screaming, and less sleep have been worse the past couple months.  Terrible. I have been playing phone tag with the GI's office.  The soonest appointment they have is mid-December.  Guess that's what you get for seeing the best pediatric GI in the western states.

I know in time he will get better.  I am grateful for the patience I have been given to deal with all of this, and I am even more grateful for being able to survive this with so little sleep.  Reminds me much of the grace and knowledge of our Heavenly Father.