Mother Killer

Mother Killer.... I nearly died when Little Bears new GI, wrote that in HUGE capital letters on his chart, and explained to me what it meant.

Apparently, when a baby cries for more than 8 hours a day, they classify them as Mother Killers.  She explained to me that 80% of moms with babies who have been having these troubles, and crying so much for so long do one of two things; either they attempt to kill themselves, or they suffer a psychotic break. As he was screaming uncontrollably, and could not be consoled, she asked me how I was still sane.  I then explained to her, that there is a very loose definition of sane. 

I love my Little Bear.  It breaks my heart that he is so constantly miserable, to the point of being inconsolable.  I wish and pray every moment that there is something that can be done for him.  I have fought, and keep fighting to get him into the best doctors in the state.  I only wish something more can be done. 

The GI ordered a bunch of tests, and in the process we found out he has 1 kidney that isn't working properly, and 1 renal artery that is mostly blocked.  Now he has yet another specialist he has to see, and a host of tests that go along with it.  I have spent more time than I ever wished holding him down while he gets poked with needles, and strapped to tables, and screams in MRI machines for hours. 

Will this ever end?

Remember how I mentioned he never sleeps? Seriously, he NEVER sleeps.  Which means I don't either.  I have gotten a solid 2 hours every day the past month.  I have never in my entire life been so exhausted.  I have never felt more like I am going to lose my mind.  More and more each day, I understand why they are called Mother Killers. 

The misery, screaming, and less sleep have been worse the past couple months.  Terrible. I have been playing phone tag with the GI's office.  The soonest appointment they have is mid-December.  Guess that's what you get for seeing the best pediatric GI in the western states.

I know in time he will get better.  I am grateful for the patience I have been given to deal with all of this, and I am even more grateful for being able to survive this with so little sleep.  Reminds me much of the grace and knowledge of our Heavenly Father.

For This Child I Prayed...

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him"

1 Samuel 1:27

As I mentioned in my last post, I struggled for years with a) getting pregnant and b) staying pregnant.  Those who suffered from endo, PCOS, infertility, miscarriage, and or cancer, know how utterly heartbreaking any of these things can be, especially when you desperately want a child.  They are incredibly painful both physically, and emotionally. 

Before I had my little Cricket, I had two tragic miscarriages, and a grueling surgery for the endo, and tons of medicine for the endo, PCOS, and infertility.  It took The Hubs and I four years to get her. I begged and pleaded for her, I prayed constantly, and fought for her.  In between Cricket and Little Bear I had another miscarriage, cancer, and 5 more surgeries.  After the cancer, I was told that I would never have another child.  The doctor and my parents begged me to schedule a hysterectomy.  When I found out I was pregnant again, I was both overjoyed and devastated.  I knew I could never carry the child to term, and I was brokenhearted at the thought of losing yet another child.  I started bleeding very badly early on and expected the worst, I went to the doctor and was told I had lost the baby, and I needed to immediately schedule surgery to remove the dead baby, and also a huge cyst that was growing that was a suspected tumor.  I knew that my baby wasn't dead, and begged for progesterone, and hormone tests to keep him alive.  They refused, and begged me to quite being in denial and have the surgery.  Something in me told me it was wrong, and so I sought a second opinion.  I will be forever grateful I did, because it saved Little Bear's life.  I learned that the bleeding was from the loss of his twin, and from my placenta abrupting during it's miscarriage.  During my pregnancy with Little Bear, I had many scares, including but not limited too, preterm labor, placental abruption, placental previa, 26 weeks straight of extreme bedrest (35 weeks total my entire pregnancy), cord problems, and many more.  Through it all, everyone I knew prayed.  Not only did I pray for him every single day before I knew he was mine, but every second of his life, in my womb, and out. 

I knew he was my last hope for one last baby for our family, I knew I needed him, and through him I learned of the Lord's tender, yet perfect mercy for us.  He strengthened my faith in God, myself, and the world.  He is my perfect miracle, my blessing after so, so, so much pain.  He has been my saving grace everyday since his conception. 

Since him, I had one more surgery, one that brought an end to my ability to have children, one that sent me into a period of my life 20 years too early.  It has been my most difficult journey, but I could not do it without the perfect promise and hope he brings to my life.  He somehow makes it all worth it and ok.

His life has been one of struggles so far. He fought with his whole being to come to Earth.  Nearly died at his birth, and has suffered much since.  He screams in agony more often than not, but in the not moments, he is the happiest, sweetest little boy I have ever seen. He shows so much strength, and wisdom. He has an old soul.  He shows me how to have grace and perfection in pain, and shows me how to be perfect in weakness.  By shear force of will, he is happy, and makes sure others are too.  He knows just when I need him, and he never leaves my side.  When my heart is breaking, and I ache, and become bitter, he shows me how amazing, how very, very blessed I truly am.  He is my heart, he knows me, my weakness, and my strength.  

For this child I prayed. For this child I pray.