It gets better

I have been reflecting a lot on the past few years of my life.  Between the crazy amounts of surgery, losing 4 sweet babies, 2 difficult pregnancies, cancer, many health issues, a hysterectomy at a young age and all that brought, a sick baby, job loss, moving, and so, so much more.

There were points in all of it, that I wasn't sure it would ever get better.  I worried it would be like that forever (flashback to David at the Dentist anyone?) and that I would never be happy, or healthy again.  It's a despair I cannot explain, to feel that way, but one I think we can all relate to at some point.  It seems worse in a way to see your children hurting, because you not only feel it for yourself, but you feel it for them too, and it's a different kind of pain.

I was working on our family Christmas letter the other night, and reflecting on all of our struggles the past year, but the things that hit me the strongest was all of the times we were so blessed, and God's hand in our lives.  It all could have ended so differently, and could have been so, so, much worse.

At the end of each trial, struggle, and terrible tragedy we have been through there came a point of relief, and peace.  For some it took a very long time. Some I am still working on, and some we are still in the thick of.  But, for the ones that came, there isn't much like it.  The end is bittersweet, and there is a kind of beauty that comes with it that I cannot describe.  It is then, my friends, when you see how blessed you were, how protected you were, and how much you grew.  You see your strength, and when that moment comes, you see that your trial, was actually a blessing.  A blessing used to make you into who you needed to be.

I recently came to the end of a very big trial for me.  Now that I am on the other side of it, I still feel some pain, but I feel so much peace.  I know that I am better for it, and I am so grateful that I was guided through some of the most dark days of my life.

I just feel a need to remind people, that it really does get better.  Life is hard.  It's supposed to be.  We are born to change and grow.  We weren't meant to stay stagnant, and with that comes pain.  It is natural, and it is part of the circle of life.  It is part of the plan, and it is why we are here.  But it does get better.  We are so blessed to have moments when we realize it is better, that we are better for it.

It really, really does get better.  I promise...

Poor Bubby

My poor bubby was in the hospital last week.  He was very sick, and it was uncertain for a time how long he would be there, if he would need surgery, and after we came home, if/when he would have to go back.

I would give anything for all of his terrible health issues to just go away. 

It took me a week to get him back to his normal.  I am so glad to have him back to himself.  He has 2 appts this week to see different drs, and I'm hoping he will be doing well by Tuesday! He can't be sick on Christmas!

Cheese

I know this will be a random topic, but I just shredded, and "seal a mealed" 5 lbs of cheese, so I figured it warranted a post.

I am a huge thrift buyer.  I am not an extreme couponer by any means.  I do the love the show.  It fascinates me, but I don't have that kind of time to do that.  Still, I try to be as frugal as humanly possible, which sometimes frustrates hubby, but most of the time, he appreciates it. Buying in bulk isn't always a savings.  But, when it is, I take full advantage of it.  If I find cheese for a crazy good price, I buy as much of it as I feel like we can afford at the time.  Fact, cheese freezes really well (if you don't mind that cheese frozen in a block can be kind of crumbly afterwards, which I don't).  I recently got a great deal on a 5 lb block of mozzarella cheese at Sam's Club.  Thank goodness for my grater option on my food processor, it only took me about 10 mins to shred it all.  After I had it all shredded, I added about 1/8-1/4 cup of flour to it, and tossed the cheese (this keeps it from sticking to each other and becoming a huge globby mess), and then put it in seal a meal bags.  Make sure if you do it, not to use the vacuum option, or the cheese will get stuck and globby.  I saved 1 lb of it wrapped in tin foil in the fridge.  Did you know that cheese wrapped in tin foil in the fridge lasts FORVER (ok, not really forever, but a seriously long time).  It keeps the mold off of it, and also keeps it from drying out.  Seriously one of the best tips I've received.

This time of year is a great time to get good deals on Turkey.  I love to buy an extra turkey to keep in my deep freeze, and one to cook up, cut up, and freeze the meat from.  It's usually cheaper than chicken, and you can use it in place of it, in pretty much anything you use chicken in. 

This week, I cooked up 10 lbs of chicken breasts (shredded it, and froze it), and 10 lbs of hamburger (seasoned, browned, and froze) for our deep freeze.  It will get us pretty far.  I am hoping most of the winter.  As we speak, I am cooking up a ham shank to cut up and freeze, and with my turkey points from the local grocery store I will do the same with a turkey later this week.  $40 worth of meat will last us for months if I plan our meals right.  It helps me cook quicker meals to have the meat already cooked and ready to go. I hate buying the hamburger, freezing it, then thawing it, then cooking it.  much easier this way if you have an hour to take care of it.  Besides the fact that buying hamburger in bulk can save you about $.90 lb.  That's a HUGE savings! 

Coconut Milk

I've talked a bit about Little Bear's allergies.  In my last post I talked about how his formula has soy in it (I found that only 1 baby formula doesn't have soy in it, and we tried it, and failed), so I decided to try coconut milk, then with the expense of it, decided to give it a try and make my own.

Well, it was interesting, that's for sure. What should have taken me about 30 mins or so (according to one blog), took me no less than 2 hours.  Little man screamed and cried at my feet the entire time.  My sweet Munchie Moo, well, she tried to "help".  Bless her little 3 year old heart.  Let's just say, it wasn't much help. :)

Anyway, I chose to use a fresh coconut, and drain and peel it myself, since I figured it would not only be more cost effective, but also fresher=better for him.

*Side note, I just had to clean up a huge glass of milk from my couch, Little Bear, decided he was going to pour it all over. Yep, that just happened*

So, where was I? In the time it took me to drain, split (that was a good frustration relieving part btw), and peel the coconut, my hands were raw, I had a huge cut on my finger ps, I could have flown to NYC.  I decided to add some extra coconut oil to the mixture, along with all the coconut water I drained from the coconut, and 2 cups of boiling hot water (hot water draws out more of the oil and sugar from the flesh).  It is a yummy milk, but I only got 1 quart, and it took me 2 hours. I would need at least twice that in one day, and it's just not a feasable option.  But, at least I tried it, and know now.  Dried coconut isn't much of an option for me, because of the cost.  I did learn a really great recipe for coconut butter.  Yummy! I'll share it when I make it again!

It turns out, that all my work was for nothing really, except a learning experience...  He just wasn't getting all the calories, nutrients, and enough fat from coconut milk alone.  I had to put him back on formula, until we can figure out the root of all the problems.  The GI wants me to try 3 new formulas (that still have soy), that are completely hydrolized and broken down, and hopefully they will be better than what he's on.  They are twice the price, but it will be worth it if they work.  So far, I've tried 2 of the 3, and haven't seen a difference. :(

Pancreas

This week had been overwhelming. Today has been overwhelming.  I have been taking Little Bear the chiropractor since last week.  I have heard really great things about babies with severe GERD and chiropractors, so I decided it was time to try it out.  I have seen a chiropractor for many years for severe migraines, and actually saw this same chiropractor when I was pregnant with Little  Bear to help with my pain from labor, and bed rest.  We'll see what happens.

He also had his follow up appointment with his GI last week. Apparently he also has severe food intolerance, yes, you read that right, food.  All food.  She also said his pancreas isn't working properly, and isn't producing either enough, or any enzymes to digest and process his food, and most importantly protein.  So, she put him on an eighth medicine. Yep, 8. So now he is on a live enzyme  made from bovine pancreas.  Gross I know.  I shudder every time I open the capsule, and put it in his applesauce. Oh, get this, the Children's Hospital Pharmacy (the only place in the state that can get most of his meds), will overnight me his medicine if they don't have it in the pharmacy.  So, Saturday, FedEx came and dropped it off.  The driver told me that it was the only package sent out that day, and said it cost $150 to deliver it 45 miles to my house.  Isn't that madness?!?!?!? I hope the insurance covers that sucker ;)

His formula ingredients changed and now have soy in them.  No wonder he is still having so many issues right? So I took him off his formula and put him on coconut milk.  He's been on it for 3 days now.  Not sure if it's making a difference or not.  It's been a hard, hard week.  His eczema has been terrible, and yesterday he got into some cereal with soy in it, and had a really bad reaction. 

My next goal is to learn how to make my own coconut milk.  It's supposed to be much more cost effective, and better for you than the processed stuff.  If it works out well, I'll post how it turned out :)

My little Munchie Moo has been having a hard time lately.  She can't leave my side, and has been very whiney, and throwing temper tantrums.  I have been trying to spend more one on one time with her and let her know how special she is to me.  She is currently sleeping on my legs, on the couch while I type.  I love her.  I just wish I didn't feel like I was failing her, failing everyone.  I hope she knows how much I love her. I hope she knows how much I need her, and how special she is to me.  The GI told her that she is the reason I am still sane.  She was so proud of herself for being such a big girl.  I love her.  

1 Year

There is a common saying: "What a difference a year makes".  This past year has been a whole heap of blessing, and trial. 

Thursday marked my year anniversary of my hysterectomy.  This month, especially the past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I had heard, from others in my place, that it would be, especially with the first year passing.

It feels silly to be so emotional about something like this.  I guess it's the meaning behind it.  The end.  So final.  It's been difficult to come to terms with that.  I have moments of contentment.  But mostly, I am still hurting, and still feel very betrayed by my own body.  I am broken hearted to lose what I had planned for my life, and what I had lived for. 

I spoke with an old acquaintance from high school this week, and she excitedly told about her plans for her upcoming voluntary hysterectomy.  My heart broke for her, knowing the other side of it. I remember talking myself into excitement, and trying to act positive and happy about my hysterectomy.  I tried to only find the happy points, and chose not to look at the finality, and the pain that would come.  I wish I had been more prepared, let myself be upset about it, when it happened.  I wonder if that would have made things easier now? Perhaps not.

Confession: I spent most Thursday in a funk, and crying.  I felt silly, but almost relieved at the tears that poured down my face. It was healing in a way.  I know that each year, when this time comes, I'll have a day like that day, but that's ok.  Once a year, is ok right?

What a difference a year makes.  I look forward to what this next year will bring.

Exhaustion

I am tired.  There is no other way to put it.  I need sleep.  Good quality, long lasting, uninterrupted sleep. 

Unfortunately, that is not going to happen any time soon.  Little Bear has been having a really rough time the past few weeks, more than normal.

Last night he screamed until 7 am.  Could not be comforted.  It is exhausting as a mom to deal with that.  You feel like a failure, and then you both end up crying. 

Today, I slept with him on my chest for 1 hour before I needed to be up for church.  Days like today, I just don't know why I bother.  I was literally stand-rocking-bouncing him for three hours straight.  I cried.  In front of many people.  It was terribly embarrassing.  There where many well meaning comments, from many well meaning people.  But they hurt.  They don't know me. They do not know the hell Little Bear faces each day, and they don't know how long I have go without sleep.  I have so much passion and love for my faith, but days like today I end up leaving more tired, and upset than when I came.  I got nothing out of meetings today.  The main meeting I was dealing with screaming.  I tried to go to Sunday School, and my women's meeting, but that only lasted about 20 seconds before I was walking the halls trying to comfort my poor screaming boy.

I called my mom today, and was sobbing before she even answered the phone.  She is going to take the kids for a couple days so I can rest, and reset.  Bless her beautiful hide.  She is a saint.

I am worried about Wyatt.  He has had some really BLACK diapers this week, which according the GI on call today at Primary Children's it could be internal bleeding in his upper GI tract.  They will do some test tomorrow and we will see.  I really can't handle much more of this. 

Most days I handle this all well, and take it all in stride.  I am just so tired right now, I can't deal with it as well as I normally can. 

Pray for sleep tonight for both of us.  We both desperately need it!