1 Year

There is a common saying: "What a difference a year makes".  This past year has been a whole heap of blessing, and trial. 

Thursday marked my year anniversary of my hysterectomy.  This month, especially the past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I had heard, from others in my place, that it would be, especially with the first year passing.

It feels silly to be so emotional about something like this.  I guess it's the meaning behind it.  The end.  So final.  It's been difficult to come to terms with that.  I have moments of contentment.  But mostly, I am still hurting, and still feel very betrayed by my own body.  I am broken hearted to lose what I had planned for my life, and what I had lived for. 

I spoke with an old acquaintance from high school this week, and she excitedly told about her plans for her upcoming voluntary hysterectomy.  My heart broke for her, knowing the other side of it. I remember talking myself into excitement, and trying to act positive and happy about my hysterectomy.  I tried to only find the happy points, and chose not to look at the finality, and the pain that would come.  I wish I had been more prepared, let myself be upset about it, when it happened.  I wonder if that would have made things easier now? Perhaps not.

Confession: I spent most Thursday in a funk, and crying.  I felt silly, but almost relieved at the tears that poured down my face. It was healing in a way.  I know that each year, when this time comes, I'll have a day like that day, but that's ok.  Once a year, is ok right?

What a difference a year makes.  I look forward to what this next year will bring.

Exhaustion

I am tired.  There is no other way to put it.  I need sleep.  Good quality, long lasting, uninterrupted sleep. 

Unfortunately, that is not going to happen any time soon.  Little Bear has been having a really rough time the past few weeks, more than normal.

Last night he screamed until 7 am.  Could not be comforted.  It is exhausting as a mom to deal with that.  You feel like a failure, and then you both end up crying. 

Today, I slept with him on my chest for 1 hour before I needed to be up for church.  Days like today, I just don't know why I bother.  I was literally stand-rocking-bouncing him for three hours straight.  I cried.  In front of many people.  It was terribly embarrassing.  There where many well meaning comments, from many well meaning people.  But they hurt.  They don't know me. They do not know the hell Little Bear faces each day, and they don't know how long I have go without sleep.  I have so much passion and love for my faith, but days like today I end up leaving more tired, and upset than when I came.  I got nothing out of meetings today.  The main meeting I was dealing with screaming.  I tried to go to Sunday School, and my women's meeting, but that only lasted about 20 seconds before I was walking the halls trying to comfort my poor screaming boy.

I called my mom today, and was sobbing before she even answered the phone.  She is going to take the kids for a couple days so I can rest, and reset.  Bless her beautiful hide.  She is a saint.

I am worried about Wyatt.  He has had some really BLACK diapers this week, which according the GI on call today at Primary Children's it could be internal bleeding in his upper GI tract.  They will do some test tomorrow and we will see.  I really can't handle much more of this. 

Most days I handle this all well, and take it all in stride.  I am just so tired right now, I can't deal with it as well as I normally can. 

Pray for sleep tonight for both of us.  We both desperately need it!

Bed Rest

As I mentioned before, when I was pregnant with Little Bear, I was on strict bedrest for more than 3/4 of my pregnancy.  Part of the time, I kept a bedrest blog.  Not sure it would be of use to anyone, but I thought I'd post the link in case anyone wanted to check it out :)

http://myadventuresinbedrest.blogspot.com/

Craft time :)

I got an email from JoAnn's last night, informing me of a huge sale they were having today, and sending me a 60% off coupon.  Of course I would have to be straight up crazy to not use it.

So, tonight, I left the kids at home with The Hubs, and trekked on over to JoAnn's.

Let's just say, I scored big! Fleece was 60% off, so was all the cutesy cotton, also the yarn, and the paper letters.  There was so much other good stuff on sale, but I had to limit myself.

I bought some CUTE green polka dot fleece for a bathrobe for Cricket for Christmas (she has been begging for one for months now), some adorable baby fleece for a baby blanket for my newest niece (I have 8 of them!), fabric to make a matching baby doll mei tai wrap for Cricket for Christmas, and some yarn and paper letter to make this:

Let's be honest, this took me 4 hours, yes 4.  Turns out, it's not as easy as it looks on pinterest.  Having little hands trying to help, wasn't much help either :)

Next big project besides Christmas presents is our new bedspread! I cannot wait, I have had the fabric for far too long now.

Budget

We have always had a tight and very strict budget around this home.  Recently, I have been trying to tighten it even more, in efforts to finally be able to whittle away some money for savings.

So here has been my challenge.  $200 a month for food, for a family of 4.  That's $50.00 a week.  So fair I have been very successful.  I think I will try and cut it down by $50 more a month if I can.

The more homemade meals I can do, and the more canning, and bread making I can do will make it even easier.  This is $200 a month without couponing.  As awesome as it is, I have NO time for it right now.

Anything I am going to try, to balance our budget even more is to trade salon services for help with my house, and babysitting.  We'll see how it goes, but I hope it will work out really well for me, and give me a little help, and stress relief :)

We have already been buying used when possible. 

Any other tips are appreciated!

IKEA Heaven

Confession: I love Ikea.  It is the greatest place for a Mama on a budget! Can I get an Amen?

This is my most recent purchase :) I am so in love.  They remind me so much of my sweet Grandma.

Mei Tai

A month ago, I bought a new wrap/carrier.  Little Bear grew out of his sling, and since I have to carry him so much, and I kinda need both hands, I decided I needed to get a new carrier.

After much research, I settled on a Mei Tai wrap.  This is literally the BEST purchase I have made in months.

No strain on my back, after wearing him for 8+ hours, he is so comfy, he will finally sleep some during the day.

I don't have a single complaint about it!  It's good for up to 36lbs, so I will be able to wear him for at least a year more if I need too :)

Lonely

I have been missing our old neighborhood very much lately.  All my old dear friends, and wonderful allies I had there.  We were so very well looked after there.  I always knew it, but perhaps I didn't know how deeply we were, until we moved. 

Since the move, I am so lonely.  I know no one here, have no friends, no one to talk to.  I have no escape, and no help.  Right now, I need the help.  I wish my old friends moved with me :) Think I could talk them into it?

Mother Killer

Mother Killer.... I nearly died when Little Bears new GI, wrote that in HUGE capital letters on his chart, and explained to me what it meant.

Apparently, when a baby cries for more than 8 hours a day, they classify them as Mother Killers.  She explained to me that 80% of moms with babies who have been having these troubles, and crying so much for so long do one of two things; either they attempt to kill themselves, or they suffer a psychotic break. As he was screaming uncontrollably, and could not be consoled, she asked me how I was still sane.  I then explained to her, that there is a very loose definition of sane. 

I love my Little Bear.  It breaks my heart that he is so constantly miserable, to the point of being inconsolable.  I wish and pray every moment that there is something that can be done for him.  I have fought, and keep fighting to get him into the best doctors in the state.  I only wish something more can be done. 

The GI ordered a bunch of tests, and in the process we found out he has 1 kidney that isn't working properly, and 1 renal artery that is mostly blocked.  Now he has yet another specialist he has to see, and a host of tests that go along with it.  I have spent more time than I ever wished holding him down while he gets poked with needles, and strapped to tables, and screams in MRI machines for hours. 

Will this ever end?

Remember how I mentioned he never sleeps? Seriously, he NEVER sleeps.  Which means I don't either.  I have gotten a solid 2 hours every day the past month.  I have never in my entire life been so exhausted.  I have never felt more like I am going to lose my mind.  More and more each day, I understand why they are called Mother Killers. 

The misery, screaming, and less sleep have been worse the past couple months.  Terrible. I have been playing phone tag with the GI's office.  The soonest appointment they have is mid-December.  Guess that's what you get for seeing the best pediatric GI in the western states.

I know in time he will get better.  I am grateful for the patience I have been given to deal with all of this, and I am even more grateful for being able to survive this with so little sleep.  Reminds me much of the grace and knowledge of our Heavenly Father.

Parenthood

Who has been watching Parenthood this season?

I seriously cannot stop crying about Kristina! I think this time of year is hard for me with that, and I feel what she feels... I know, I know, she isn't real, but it speaks to a part of me, that few can understand, unless they have been through it. 

I have a feeling it's going to be a heart wrenching season!

Netflix

Confession, I <3 Netflix, and Amazon Prime streaming.  I seriously don't know where I would be without them right now.  They make it so I can take an uninterrupted 5 minute shower (Okay, there was that one incident when Little Bear ended up in the toilet, but we won't talk about that), and make it so we can eat delicious meals for dinner :)

Thank you, thank you, for only costing me $8 a month!

The Move

So, remember how I told you that we were moving? Yeah, about that.... seriously? Why does moving have to been such a nightmare? Luckily my parent's, Hub's Dad and brothers, and my sister came to help, and we survived.

Then I had to unpack.  Confession, I hate unpacking! It's terrible! We have been here for 3 months now, and I still have halfway to go.  It's been a nightmare.

Last time we moved we had a 9 month old, that slept all the time.  Now we have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old.  Cricket is into everything "helping", and Little Bear, screams 9 hours a day (Seriously though), and NEVER sleeps.  He is into everything, and I may lose my mind :)

Good thing my kids are cute :)

Confession: We have been watching WAY TOO MUCH Netflix this past little while, while I try and get things organized.  Hopefully since they are watching a wholelotta Sesame Street and Super Why, they are learning good things? One can only hope. 

To write or not to write?

I've been absent for awhile, I apologize. It's been a CRAZY couple months, and I have been offline a lot.

Here is it 1:30 am, and I finally sat down for the day.  Like I said, crazy!

I have been reflecting on this blog for a few weeks, wondering if it was worth continuing.  I have had this deep passion for writing, ever since I could write my own name.  I love to hear people's stories, and although, I am no great writer, I think it's important to have a way to express your own story.

Can we get real for a minute? Lately, my life has been very hard.  It seems like there has been one set back after another, and I cannot seem to recover before another blow comes.  I am been feeling lonely, beaten, and depressed.  Above all, I feel exhausted.

Long story short, I know that there are other moms out there that are feeling exactly how I am feeling right now.  Moms, who don't know who to reach out too, and moms that feel so very alone. So I have decided to keep writing, and maybe, just maybe, someone will stumble across this blog, and feel like they have a friend, someone who has been where they are, and feel not so alone.