All children struggle at some point in their lives. Some struggle more than others, and some have
very obvious struggles that even the most unobservant person can see. But, there are those whose struggles are not
always obvious, and by looking at them they may “look fine” so those looking
in. Their mothers know those
struggles. They are there to fight every
battle with them, and they take much of the weight of that stress on
themselves. They spend sleepless nights
worrying, researching, and trying to find help for their child. At some point in this battle, they reach out
for help, for understanding, and for someone to help carry that load, even for
a just a minute. The most disrespectful,
uncompassionate, and careless thing you could say to a mother in that moment
would be: “He looks fine to me”. Those
five words tell that mother that all of her worry and her fight for her
suffering child are worth nothing, that she is over dramatizing a situation,
and that she is making herself sick over nothing. It invalidates her child’s struggle, and the
hell that they are going through.
My son screamed at least eight hours a day for the first 21
months of his life, and still screams for several hours on end each day. He suffers from a whole host of medical problems
that cause him much pain and frustration.
There are very few that truly know all the details of his struggle, the
endless doctors, hospital visits, tests, medical bills, extremely expensive
diet, sleepless nights, fighting for him, and trying to find a way to help
him. People don’t see the speech and
development delays, or the fighting to keep him eating, and trying for two
years to get him off of the Failure to Thrive classification. They don’t see the dates my husband and I
don’t get, and the attention my daughter loses.
They don’t see the hours I spend on the phone with doctors, insurance
companies, and billing offices. People
don’t see the hours I spend pacing with my son. They don’t see the scratches I
get from him in his bouts of extreme pain. I plan every outing around the hours
of the day that are the best for him, and how we stay completely isolated for 4
months out of the year to keep him from getting deathly ill.
It is so hurtful to me, when people ask about him, I give
them a little background, and immediately they say “he looks fine to me”. Nothing brings out the Mama Bear in me more
than that sentence. It makes all of our
hard work seem tainted, it makes all of the progress my son has made seem
unimportant. But you know what? It’s so
important. We have worked so hard, and
we have so much work ahead. He is tough,
tougher than anyone can see, and I am tough, and I work hard for him.
It’s most painful when those that are close to us say that
to me. They of all people they should be
the most understanding. I try so hard to
handle as much of it alone as I can, but in those moments where I am so ready
to break, the exhaustion is overwhelming, I don’t know where else to turn, and
I just need someone to listen, it is devastating to hear: “He looks fine to
me”.
While a child may “look fine” from the outside, next time a
mom is really struggling, and reaches out to you in some way, please choose
your words carefully, please think about how you would feel if someone said
that to you. If you were sick, or
depressed, and reached out for help, and someone said, “you look fine to me”,
imagine how it would break you. Respond
how you would want someone to respond to you.
Think before you speak. Have a
little bit more compassion, and a little bit more empathy. It will go a long way.
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